Circumstances

She grows overnight
(to my eyes)
and blooms

Tendrils and roots
to depths and breadths
she drinks

basks

glows...

*******

One example. A snapshot that I arrange at the top of the stack to mask what lies below. With them, it's always progress and regress. A cycle or a spiral that moves in millimeters forward toward wisdom. With us, with all.

Maybe the circumstances make the difference. Maybe small class, fewer distractions, more urge to aspire.

They grow, as we all do. The process isn't always pretty, or encouraging, and sometimes the glimpses of glory become far too distant. Sometimes the letting go becomes a learning experience for all of us. First steps, balance, topples, griefs, getting back up. Repeat. And for us, letting go and trusting. "Let go and let God."

Sometimes they grow wild.

****
shoots and leaves
bloom and
fruit bittersweet
green but
blushing
maybe brazen
explore and
conquer
unhindered

Expression

Her words expressed more than I wanted to learn. Maybe she wrote only the dregs of her thought - I can't imagine her being this heartless. But their history is ragged and scarred. Kay had all but abandoned her when she was in the hospital last time...maybe she wants to throw this in her face.

Is this another warning? First day, already tragedy...

already...

Random thought via the never-sleeping interpreter. He was always carefully measured, precisely attuned to effect and appearance. Would it be, then, wrong to assume his appearance of haste that night to also be a precise instrument? No shirt, the ubiquitous trench coat hanging open. A planned exhibit of my ability to drive him to my door with my words? Or a demonstration of what I would be losing. The Grecian Urn body. He proved in that case that he cared only for what he supposed I desired of him. Perhaps he could never fathom the possibility of my wanting his mind more than his body. Perhaps he fell in love with his self-portrait.

Your bones
will clatter in my skull
until I bury you
in words.

Alone?

Sometimes I swear I need to be alone for good. Although I know that seclusion only looks good because I wouldn't have to deal with the problems that lead me to want to run away in the first place. I'm just tired of feeling the need to fix something about myself. I just wish that I could be who I am without any reference to "normal" or "expected." But I suppose I can't do that. Being part of a social situation, I have to do some things to make myself acceptable.

I have this recurring fantasy about becoming a Buddhist nun. But even then I would be among others and I'd have to change myself in some way.

I jump to conclusions very easily. I can take any situation and blow it out of proportion in moments. Unintentionally. I don't mean to be a closet drama queen.

Enough for now.

Sometimes I think he tries to cling to his beliefs. He's not ready yet to venture outside the limits he has grown up with.

i was thinking today about coming out of the broom closet and what that would entail. and of course i ended up having a mini internal conversation with the missionaries or people who try to tell me that i'm wrong or satanic or something of that nature. and i also thought about keeping it private. essentially, it's not anyone else's business. now, i know that i would probably be banished from Chris and Leah's presence - i know Chris would rather die than leave me with Corey or Emmy or Nathan. He already thinks the peace symbol is evil. and i guess that's his right - to shield his family from what he considers to be dangerous - or what the church considers to be dangerous. i won't fight him on it. it's not like i'm going to teach the kids to do spells or anything of that sort. but in the end, i think it would cause more trouble than it's worth.

i was thinking, though, about how the whole church thing would play out. it's not that i don't believe the church is untrue. not that i negate what's happening or the validity of the church in any way. it's just not right for me. it's too constricting. Dave doesn't agree with me. he wants so badly to prove to me that my beliefs can be encompassed by the church. if one stretches and blurs the lines, yes. but i think i finally understand what Andrew was saying. if someone says they are of a certain faith, then they accept everything that the faith stands for and lives accordingly. one can't say "i'm mormon" but take issue with half of the doctrine. i can't say "i'm mormon" and dabble in paganism. i don't know where i will end up, but for now, this is my path.

off-roading

maybe i'm just crazy. and i guess for a while i will try not to censor myself for the sake of continuity. i just want to be happy for once instead of constantly worrying about the impact my decisions will have on other people. i wish it were that easy. but i spend most of my time stressing over how my actions will appear to other people. i worry about judgment, about nearly everything. almost paranoid, worrying about how i look to myself in the mirror. so i think that's why i intentionally do things to shock people - just to get things over with. because i expect to screw things up. i expect to make people angry or embarrass myself somehow. i expect to be judged. and i expect to be wrong. i expect to be wrong on all my actions or decisions. i just want to be happy with myself for once instead of making everyone else happy with me. i just want to be happy for once instead of faking myself for the camera. i just want to make peace with myself. to find something within me that is genuine. something that is the kernel of myself. my soul. i feel like i've been exorcised. seriously. did i ask something in that tossed me out? no...i felt like this far far before now, before last fall. i felt like this for years and years. have i come to the point that i can't even distinguish myself from the layers of expectations? do i even know myself enough to recognize myself? i feel mummified. wrapped in layers and layers of rags that don't belong to me - over my eyes, my mouth. suffocating. wriggling like i'm molting again. again. shedding skin shedding skin like a snake. another evil image, but one of nature. and looking to the serpent healed the dying. i want answers but i'm afraid of answers. i've been ignoring things like i ignored my grandmother's illness...i didn't want to face it because i knew the result was going to be disastrous. painful. it's been over 6 months since her death and still i get sting-y in the eyes. hide away, focus on yourself because otherwise you'll suffer. amazing how quickly the Buddhist comes back.

the problem is me. i've locked myself away for so long that i'm like an immigrant. i don't know how to communicate with the locals. i don't know how long this has gone on...maybe since childhood. i can even remember the first time i was utterly rejected by my peers. kylie someone. i wanted to play with her and she rejected me. i don't know if i cried or what i did, but it was a gut-wrenching experience. i was only a little kid. damn. for some reason, that feels so much better. like telling Dave about my brother. it's amazing how much shit we carry around, how much sorrow we suppress voiceless. amazing. and i feel like i have to keep writing because the core might be coming in the next few layers. i remember having a crush on a kid named Bobby Clawson. i even wrote a poem with his name in it. he threw a rubber playground ball at me and it smashed my face. and during 5th grade, the pioneer project i messed up and my whole group berated me. i was never good enough - never Sara enough. i guess i always looked up to Sara as my role model. pretty, well-dressed, smart. popular. i guess i've always seen her as a level to exceed. i wanted so badly to be like her that i picked clothes out that i though she would like. and...yeah, nothing. we're so different now. always were. there was a definite preference for her in my family. always. i wanted to badly to be like her...she was the reason i started really trying to read in elementary. i wasn't doing well and she was acing it and i was NOT going to let her beat me. hell no. but she's married with kids and is co-authored in a few scientific papers and i'm just here. the school teacher.i know that i should feel like we're equal because i still have my relative freedom (childless) and my future still lies before me. to be honest, i'm not sure i would be as happy as she is in her place now. i know that i'm content with where i am. i still feel like i've got everything before me - possibilities and potential. like later - always later - i will find my place where i am satisfied with myself. don't know if that's possible. i may never be satisfied. so i'm peeling layers of myself away tonight, i guess. rejection, pain, a general sense of not measuring up. i've always been "behind" on things. takes me a little while longer than most others to "get it." found out it took me forever to learn to walk. i don't remember it - any particular struggle. i guess i march to my own tempo. and in a way, i don't think i recognize how much of a blessing that can be. that sounds self-judgmental. guiltyguiltyguilty. no, really, i'd rather honestly keep up with the herd. i think i get weird a lot because i don't want to make it look like i'm slipping behind. i pretend it's an intentional break from the pack. look at me...lalala...i'm doing something strange. in the end, though, if i were to keep up with the pack, would i discover that i'm unhappy there? surrounded by so many others? maybe i'm just to the point that i don't want to be in the pack anymore. like being pushed out was the biggest blessing in my life. but i still don't know. i'm not certain about anything right now. my life feels so stagnant at times, so pathetic. and i know it's not. i have blessings beyond measure, but something is still missing. this must be the hole that people speak of - the missing element that makes the whole puzzle true. i guess some people fill it up with booze or drugs or sex or religion. i think it's more elemental than even religion. i think it's other people - gods help me. :) i think it's a feeling of community. i guess i'm not as cut out to be a hermit as i had thought. i need people around every so often to remind me of myself.

i hate to sound childish, but being on facebook reminds me of how insignificant i am. and how easily i get lost in the crowd. my little life means nothing to most of the "friends" that i have on that website, and i know it's no recrimination on the people themselves. we're just so damned isolated now. nights like these i miss my husband immensely. as long as we have each other, we'll be ok. really though, people rarely say anything to me on fb. i know that i have a serious isolation issue. maybe i have beaten dog syndrome.

but I don't have any examples of total alienation from others. nothing to warrant the kind of fear i have of people. i think i might have taken my rejection experiences in school much more to heart than was necessary. i think i internalized things much more than i needed to. i have a very sensitive nature, even if i act tough. especially when i act tough. it was high school. teenagers are notoriously rancid creatures. and college isn't much better, really. i remember the girls in the lounge at my dorm talking about the girls who had signed out recently. they talked about me, though they barely knew me. one said something like "she never shuts up." I think that might have been the point when I began to shut down. i had expected UMHB to be very open, loving, inspiring. and a lot of the people were, but that moment killed me. even Christians reject me. what the hell is wrong with me that so many people don't like me?

even if I know it's all superficial shit, and we're all human, it still hurts like hell. i think i was hurt more by my shattered idols than anything else.

maybe equally hurt.

why is it so damn hard for me to open up around people? i guess i expect them to hurt me, but in the end it doesn't matter, especially if they have no power over me? no real knowledge of my character. hell, maybe i don't want them to know about my character. that's pretty damn shitty too.

judge and prepare to be judged. that's what he said. i think i took that to heart as well.

i think my soul is suffocating under layers and layers of make-up, too. image. i want people to think i'm a certain way. i want people to accept me as one of their own. i want to be loved by everyone. accepted. appreciated.

i think i need to do some magick tonight. banishing work.

here's the deal. i want to be accepted. liked. respected. but i don't want to fake it anymore. i want to be genuine, sincere. i need to find the joy within myself instead of sapping it from others. begging for scraps, so to speak. wow. that's really how it is, isn't it? I'm begging for scraps instead of sitting at the table. my god! please please like me? don't I have a cute tail, a cute face? aren't i charming? likemelikemelikemepleeeeeeease! within myself, i need to find myself. i need to bust that starving suffocating mummified soul of mine and set her free.

caterpillar to cocoon to butterfly.

nautilus

chatted with sabrina for a little bit tonight. feels a little awkward...her soon-to-be-ex-husband is our roommate and I'm worried about both of them. i don't know how much to believe about any of it...her behavior toward mike in particular. it seems so out of character for her, but then i don't know her character that well. on the other hand, i think i know at least a little of where she's coming from. nothing like divorce is ever cleanly one-sided. she sounds like she's confused about things. i may be superimposing my own concerns and questions onto her, but maybe not.

i want to be honest. she might be questioning the church, which, in her situation, is a deciding element. mike is a great guy, certainly not a model church person, but he tries. he is a "true believer" in a way. i respect him for that, for his ability to hold to his beliefs in spite of what he has experienced. actually, i respect anyone able to hold to belief in the church - it takes a lot of psychological energy. I couldn't do it. :) he says his goal is to get to the celestial kingdom, and to be honest, it would be unfair to him to stay with him if she's questioning enough. i can see how that might be a factor. if it's a factor. i don't know. she might just be confused as hell about everything or she might be possessed. who knows.

the thing that really annoys me about church doctrine is the idea that a person has to be married in order to enter the CK. doesn't make sense. in the end, it feels like a vice - all that pressure to stay within the church. callings to fill up your time with more church stuff, meetings, lessons, it felt like i gave my life over to someone else. gave my mind over. myself.

no, it's just not me. i wish dave could understand that. he thinks he can somehow stretch the boundaries of the church to encompass what i feel, but what he doesn't understand is that i don't want to be encompassed within it anymore. there are those who fall effortlessly into it, who have found their true happiness in it. they believe it wholeheartedly, and desire to fulfill it. that's great for them. for them. i don't have a testimony of it anymore, if i ever really did. it was a part of my path and an agent for my rehabilitation, but it's not enough for me - i just don't feel comfortable in it. yes, there are lessons to be learned from it. i'm not saying it's false, it's just not right for me.

she might be thinking something similar. or she might just be possessed. who knows. but eventually mike will be gone, and it won't feel so much like betrayal talking to her.

no, eventually this part of our lives will pass, and we can seal it off. move on. grow.