blind

i don't know if i've ever felt confident about the afterlife. if there is one. for years i lived in deliberate ignorance of the "forbidden" realms of spirituality, though they always elicited a kind of curiosity in me. believing that i have no right to delve into the misty outer regions, i have skirted them for nearly my whole life.

no. no, when i was a child, i felt no such restrictions in my relationship to the divine. i communed with nature and God with the purity of innocence unblemished by doctrine and taught by the most loving teachers. i sometimes wish i could return to those days, before religion took hold of me and warped my vision of divinity. i think for the last couple of year i have worked to unravel the cords that have bound me to what is "right" and what is "wrong." i have to trust myself more.

i am, by nature, not a bad person. not wicked, spiteful. i am a seeker of truth, and i try not to do what obviously will hurt me or others. i love deeply in my own way. i love God. i don't want power or money. i only want peace and knowledge. i am, though, becoming rebellious in my old age. :) i see the boundaries that confine me and i want to burst through them. not to injure anyone, but to do what i know is right based on my knowledge, experience and spiritual beliefs. my beliefs, not anyone else's. yet, i battle on a daily basis with the knowledge that i am acting contrary to the beliefs of much of my family, who are not rather concerned about me. they see a difference in me about religious matters and they worry that i am "going astray." going apostate is the term, and in many ways, i have given up much of what i don't agree with about church doctrine. i have dabbled in buddhism and wicca; i have had long (rather draining) conversations with my husband about my motivations and expectations in my quest; i have tried to explain my views on religion and spiritual matters. my understanding of them is not a problem, but trying to help loving, well-intentioned family and friends understand or appease their anxiety is hard.

i feel comfortable with my quest. i feel queasy in church.

funeral gifts

several years ago, i had a dream about julie hugging me, smile beaming with love. i woke from that dream in tears at the improbability of it. she hated me with the vicious reckless love of an aunt for her nephew too often wrecked by rotten girlfriends. i understood the purpose of her anger, her distance, her general incivility toward me, but i couldn't understand the depth of it. or her unwillingness to relinquish it. after dave and i had been married for a few years, she began to incrementally thaw toward me. it wasn't until last christmas when i realized she didn't just tolerate me - she loved me. she hugged me (and she's not the hugging type) when i needed comforting. and, just this past week, she (alone) made a point to come to gramma's funeral. unannounced. she shocked me. and, as i walked toward her to hug her, i saw that smile and recognized the dream.

it took years. this gift surpasses all others i have received this season. that smile, that warmth, that acceptance and love that i thought was impossible years ago has finally found fruition. i am in awe of it. and infinitely humbled...

year of sorrows, indeed. and it's only half over.

equanimity

the word floated across my screen saver as a reminder. well timed, i think. the next two classes will test my equanimity to the breaking point with their ignorance and childishness.

little circles everywhere

i wish i didn't have to "hide" my magick from my husband. he knows i have been doing magick, but i feel uncomfortable, constantly worried that he will walk in on my spell, break the circle, vex the energy. he still wants me to go to church with him, wants me to get "active" again. i just don't feel comfortable with it anymore. seems like i'm a stranger in familiar land. culture shock. like i've been gone so long that the little podunk town i lived in before seems mean and closed-minded. not for me. no one can quite understand that a religion might not work for everyone. it's limiting, confining, stunting. we need to see more than one little tile of the mosaic. it's a metaphor i've grappled with for almost 10 years.

so, these little circles i cast are punctured and burst. that's why i've taken to casting a perimeter around the room instead of a little circle. i can go about my business without worrying about disruptions as much.

not to mention, i've neglected my magick for a few weeks...since i last got sick. it feels good to be back in a sacred space. feels good to smell nag champa and feel the glow of the candles.

a few of the slower-to-turn trees look like their limbs are on fire. yellow and orange and red. like matches. others are still deep burgundy.

yule is next week. :)

within this sacred circle i feel peace. i think the spell is working.

living things

i killed it. it's crinkled, dried up, and gone. i suppose winter isn't a good time to attempt gardening, especially since we are particularly frost-prone this year.

i guess i'm not cut out to be a gardener.

plants have no audible voices to warn me when i neglect them.

like when i leave them in the bathroom too long.

because i didn't want them to die from frost.

i didn't want to lose it to the elements, so i took away all the elements and it still died. because it needs the elements. like the kid who can't play outside because his parents are too afraid of germs and cuts and bruises and emotional turmoil and dirt. so he lives a sterile life. in the dark, clean, uninjured. but still dead.

dried up, crinkled, gone.

the heather is outside now, watered, in the sun (gorgeous day). i hope it is forgiving. i don't expect miracles. if all else fails, the tiny leaves and the still-vibrant-purple flowers make a pretty sachet, though i'm thinking the over-all 'you killed me' vibes aren't good for home use.

and, once again, i learn that i can't keep something alive. or someone.

not yet

i have the wreath on my door, and a garland on my bookshelf. any more would be tempting the cat beyond his capacity for resistance. i can't feel it, though. not yet. and part of me wonders if i will find it this year. multiple predictions abound for my grandmother's staying power. she personally feels it's her last christmas. she almost didn't decorate this year. i admire her - she deals with the riotous behavior of her children with dignity. always with dignity, and i think when she does in fact die, she will leave as a lady leaves. quietly and with grace. no, i will not ask that she "rage, rage against the dying of the light."

there's a space before acceptance that's more like acquiescence. even then, the reluctant soul shivers. like inching your way into cold water. or like a roux. you have to temper your soul before submitting fully. otherwise, your soul clots and clumps, or scalds and is ruined.

i think the difference this time is that i have the time to temper - to allow myself to release rather than having her wrenched from my hands suddenly. it's a different process - longer, but probably more healthier. all other deaths have slammed me, suddenly, like a massive wave when my back was turned.

the time tables keep tipping. months, maybe a year. back to months.

as good as it feels right now to have the scaffold of the medicine, i know i'm losing some of myself to it. i know the lightness isn't really a natural shift within me; rather, it's a stop-loss. ironic term. suffice it to say, i feel fake.

better than drowning, though.

namaste

he said one needs to start with a spiritual foundation and build from there. i agreed. he said to start with the atonement of Christ. I said no.

i think it startled him.

laying a spiritual foundation based solely on one religion narrows one's view too soon. it's like a historian writing a "universal history" that only deals with ancient greece and rome. what about persia? east asia? the northern germanic tribes? they exist outside of a particular idea of power, so they don't exist in the "universe." trying to build a historical foundation based solely on christianity instantly excludes other faiths from the picture before understanding them. so many beautiful and inspiring truths can be discovered from other faiths that, once integrated, amplify your understanding and experience. sincerely, why reject the wisdom of other faiths simply because they are "other?"

so no, i won't start with the atonement of Christ. i will listen, listen. gather common stones and build from those.

full moon

and we have a room mate for a while. again, it seems the year of sorrows has claimed another victim.

i don't know the particulars, and i'm not particularly curious. wish they'd had more than a few months of time together before they cracked asunder.

who knows...

i thank God for my husband...

will the shit ever stop dropping?