slowly, i am maneuvering my life back into order. little victories, i guess.

my friend is going through a divorce. he's discovering realities about his soon-to-be-ex wife that he couldn't have realized while deployed thousands of miles away. that his wife was not really ready to grow up, no less get married, have kids and live alone for so long.

i think, to a degree, that i understand at least part of what's happening with his wife. she's not content with the "molly mormon" lifestyle - much less the military molly mormon mommy. she's struggling with herself, her faith, her choices. i don't blame her - she hasn't had much opportunity to really form her own life. i'll bet she's questioning everything that she's ever believed. i know she's drinking - maybe heavily.

hindsight, you know. months ago, when i was talking to her about her tattoo, she said she was thinking about getting another one - that she needed the "fire" again. i sympathized - i needed a lot of "fire" in my life as well, in order to make some decisions. i didn't know her fire would be this devastating. i think, though, that she will look back and realize, someday, that she made a huge mistake. then again, i don't know what her intentions are.

makes me think, though, that a marriage is not guaranteed just because it's begun in the temple. the church isn't a fail-safe. i think dave is worried that i might follow sab's pattern and go down the apostate plug-hole. nope. i may not be a good mormon. i may kick and scream at parameters and boundaries. i may question and hypothesize and rebel. but i don't want to drown again, like i did before. i know where sab is heading, and it's not pretty. she'll have a worse time of it than i did - i don't know what's grounding her, if anything at all.

it takes a lot of fuel - of fire - to break out of the earth's gravitational pull. i'm afraid she might use up all of her fuel on the lift-off, and have nothing left for the return journey. she might wander in the orbit for years. who knows.

i'm not scared for her because she's doing things the church warns against. it's not the label "apostate" that causes alarm. it's the possibility of harm that her actions bring.