nautilus

chatted with sabrina for a little bit tonight. feels a little awkward...her soon-to-be-ex-husband is our roommate and I'm worried about both of them. i don't know how much to believe about any of it...her behavior toward mike in particular. it seems so out of character for her, but then i don't know her character that well. on the other hand, i think i know at least a little of where she's coming from. nothing like divorce is ever cleanly one-sided. she sounds like she's confused about things. i may be superimposing my own concerns and questions onto her, but maybe not.

i want to be honest. she might be questioning the church, which, in her situation, is a deciding element. mike is a great guy, certainly not a model church person, but he tries. he is a "true believer" in a way. i respect him for that, for his ability to hold to his beliefs in spite of what he has experienced. actually, i respect anyone able to hold to belief in the church - it takes a lot of psychological energy. I couldn't do it. :) he says his goal is to get to the celestial kingdom, and to be honest, it would be unfair to him to stay with him if she's questioning enough. i can see how that might be a factor. if it's a factor. i don't know. she might just be confused as hell about everything or she might be possessed. who knows.

the thing that really annoys me about church doctrine is the idea that a person has to be married in order to enter the CK. doesn't make sense. in the end, it feels like a vice - all that pressure to stay within the church. callings to fill up your time with more church stuff, meetings, lessons, it felt like i gave my life over to someone else. gave my mind over. myself.

no, it's just not me. i wish dave could understand that. he thinks he can somehow stretch the boundaries of the church to encompass what i feel, but what he doesn't understand is that i don't want to be encompassed within it anymore. there are those who fall effortlessly into it, who have found their true happiness in it. they believe it wholeheartedly, and desire to fulfill it. that's great for them. for them. i don't have a testimony of it anymore, if i ever really did. it was a part of my path and an agent for my rehabilitation, but it's not enough for me - i just don't feel comfortable in it. yes, there are lessons to be learned from it. i'm not saying it's false, it's just not right for me.

she might be thinking something similar. or she might just be possessed. who knows. but eventually mike will be gone, and it won't feel so much like betrayal talking to her.

no, eventually this part of our lives will pass, and we can seal it off. move on. grow.