blind

i don't know if i've ever felt confident about the afterlife. if there is one. for years i lived in deliberate ignorance of the "forbidden" realms of spirituality, though they always elicited a kind of curiosity in me. believing that i have no right to delve into the misty outer regions, i have skirted them for nearly my whole life.

no. no, when i was a child, i felt no such restrictions in my relationship to the divine. i communed with nature and God with the purity of innocence unblemished by doctrine and taught by the most loving teachers. i sometimes wish i could return to those days, before religion took hold of me and warped my vision of divinity. i think for the last couple of year i have worked to unravel the cords that have bound me to what is "right" and what is "wrong." i have to trust myself more.

i am, by nature, not a bad person. not wicked, spiteful. i am a seeker of truth, and i try not to do what obviously will hurt me or others. i love deeply in my own way. i love God. i don't want power or money. i only want peace and knowledge. i am, though, becoming rebellious in my old age. :) i see the boundaries that confine me and i want to burst through them. not to injure anyone, but to do what i know is right based on my knowledge, experience and spiritual beliefs. my beliefs, not anyone else's. yet, i battle on a daily basis with the knowledge that i am acting contrary to the beliefs of much of my family, who are not rather concerned about me. they see a difference in me about religious matters and they worry that i am "going astray." going apostate is the term, and in many ways, i have given up much of what i don't agree with about church doctrine. i have dabbled in buddhism and wicca; i have had long (rather draining) conversations with my husband about my motivations and expectations in my quest; i have tried to explain my views on religion and spiritual matters. my understanding of them is not a problem, but trying to help loving, well-intentioned family and friends understand or appease their anxiety is hard.

i feel comfortable with my quest. i feel queasy in church.