crone

i love the crone. not necessarily the crabby, nasty wicked-witch-of-the-west crone, but the grandmother or grandaunt who has "been there, done that" and has wisdom in excess to impart. i had a crone in my life until recently, and she visited me in my dream last night. things like this happening have become more significant to me lately. it was a very pointed visit. i even remember my vision narrowing to her on the stairwell - thinking to myself "that's Gramma. but she's dead, how can she be here?" then the lucidity took over. i sat down beside her and we talked for a little while about my mom, and how i'm not very communicative. this was supposed to be, i guess, after her my mom's birthday, because Gramma asked me what i did for my mom's birthday. i didn't feel any reproach, just advice. she's always been straightforward - she doesn't beat around the bush or leave hints. i need to communicate more with my mom. that's the message.

i've always been eager to be old. i know that seems strange - normally women attempt to postpone age forever. i don't want to. i cherish my grey hairs. i want more. a few nights ago, dave and i were walking behind this lady who had the most beautiful white hair. i was envious. :) sometimes i feel like i'm in a holding pattern - like my life will really take off once i reach a certain age. i've never been afraid of getting old. i have to admit the pains are a little grievous, but i don't think i'll ever "feel old." maybe that's a wish or a younger person's projection on the future. maybe i'm fooling myself.

in the meantime, though, i look at the crone with a heaping measure of respect. yes, there are women who deplore their wrinkles, and who resent the young for their vitality and - well, youth. my young life was undefined - or maybe over-defined. at some point, i think i will burst the definitions and finally become myself. maybe that's why i resonate with Hecate.

death, though, i only partially and objectively understood. i thought i had an insider's perspective. i thought since i "understood" the concept of rebirth i could handle another's death. it's only been three months since Gramma died. three months ago, on this day, i had no idea how close her end was. not sure she knew exactly, but i think she had a precognition. no matter, though. indeed, they become dearer in absence.

so i'm looking forward to the day i'm old enough to join the ranks of the Crone. wondering if at that time i'll just be a wise old grandaunt.