i looked at the wrong time.

and men make no sense.

mike and dave were watching videos on youtube - videos from iraq of people getting blown up, shot, etc. mike was kind enough to wait for a few videos until i was in the kitchen, but i heard some noises and curiosity drew me out. i inadvertently watched a man blown up by a tank round, and another man shot several times in slow motion. i should have learned the first time.

men make no sense because they were watching this intentionally. mike held off on the truly appalling footage until i went back upstairs. i appreciate that he wanted to shield me from it, but why watch in the first place? he just came back from this - is there something about war and violence that addicts?

in one video, men were saying "Allah is great" as they loaded grenade launchers. we joke about "ahmed the dead terrorist," but this is serious to these men. they believe this is a holy war. and would we not fight just as viciously if we were in their place? and would we not love just as savagely if we had the opportunity? i'm beginning to disbelieve in the diffusion of love.

i'm tired of war, of death, of hatred, of savagery, of ignorance, of life in general at times. not enough to pull myself from the roll, but enough to find immense weariness and pain. enough to want to FIX it, but frustrated at my helplessness. i'm sure by now if someone would have been able to fix the situation it would have happened already. maybe there is no solution. maybe because we have no sense of history or future we have no sense of obligation. in the perspective of history, one life occupies so minute a space - almost a worthless position. but - take out one life and things do change...imperceptibly at first, then manifold...

hiding solves nothing, ignoring or denying changes nothing. but i'm so tired of being in this fucked up world having to see it having to turn away in order to keep my sanity.