facebook makes spying easy. so i spied on my ex-boyfriend of nearly four years just to see how he's doing. married i knew he was. apparently a father, too. doing well, and happy. pictures of their honeymoon (?) in Vegas. a new house. pictures of a life. and i look through these pictures with something like distant serenity. happy for him (them). and not in the least jealous. in spite of the material things that i could have had with him, i know that i would have drowned. i was drowning while i was with him. drowning in normalcy, in conformity, in tradition. my life might have slipped into a coma of routine stereotype. no, the myriad possible pleasures would have done nothing to buffer the wild hunger for change and autonomy in me. i think i would have lost myself or divorced him. dave couldn't have come at a better time - right at the moment that john and i were starting to move back into our orbits of familiarity.
what would his family have thought about me being wiccan?
would i have had the strength to rip myself free of those orbits in the first place?
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