now begins another fucking slow death. another one. FUCK i'm so tired of this.

it's funny how, in the midst of destruction, i feel like creating destruction for the sake of destruction. i want to rip something, to throw something, to take this all out on something that doesn't matter. i don't want to hurt anyone, just break something. transfer some of this rage and despair from something indestructible (the cancer) to something inanimate and worthless (the calendar under my computer, the can of soda at my left, whatever).

what lunacy to think i just have a cursed school year! that once the term ends, things will somehow get better. to think that i'll be able to escape any of this any time soon.

to think i'll have to watch my husband's exponential sorrow and have no way to abate it.

to feel utterly powerless against something so fucking minuscule, so mindless, yet so determined to destroy.