cute

he thinks my rebellion is "cute." i don't know how to take that. mostly because it's not an attempt to be "cute," but to assert my independence of mind. it's central to me, but it's "cute" to him. on the other hand, perhaps "cute" is his way of saying he supports me. he finds my actions attractive. perhaps he doesn't recognize the demeaning connotation of "cute."

to me, "cute" implies that i'm not serious. that i'm only rebelling to attract attention. frivolity. how adorable! you're speaking your mind! i'll just humor you - it's so like playing dress up and going to the store to show off. get it out of your system, and then you can go back to being normal. he ascribes my actions to the influence of high schoolers, to my rather innocuous adolescence. so "rage, rage" amounts to a temper tantrum.

i have to allow him some leeway, though; he's trying to navigate blind.

i don't want to be "cute." i don't want to be humored and coddled. i want him to recognize the struggle that has led to these decisions. he's brushing it aside like all my actions are a phase i'm going through. because i'm reading all that feminism stuff. this is, for me, the core of myself, and he's LAUGHING at it! belittling it.

i guess all he can do is hang on and hope. i'm not who i was 6 years ago. or, at least i've adequately subverted myself enough for 6 years to make this change pretty startling. he doesn't understand me, not the way he needs to, and given the nature of his influences, i'm sure he won't. his dad likes his mom because she's a spitfire, but that's also "cute," not to be taken seriously all the time. so damn smug. i don't think he intends to come across that way. i know he respects and loves rosie. but as a person to be preserved and protected, not truly as an equal. and we allow ourselves to be treated this way. so the "cuteness" of it still comes across, not the seriousness.

he demeans it. strips me of my uniqueness. so "rage, rage" becomes a demonstration of futility. like those mice. maybe i'll stop fighting if i realize it's just not worth it. i won't be taken seriously.