core

after posting the broom closet entry to the mother-accessible blog, nothing has been said. this is also after the friday night dinner that felt more like japanese theater than a visit. masks on, parts played. and i can feel a rift cracking between us like never before. i don't know exactly how to handle it. how much of it was induced by the intense urge to get home to beer is unknown. she plays roles, fakes, lies. and she teases me because i'm too damned transparent. but neither of us was happy to see the other. we've cracked apart, i'm afraid, and i'm not sure if i want to mend it.

i guess i could work a spell for reconciliation. a more open and responsive heart. maybe i should start the desire to forgive her.

i had a dream the other night that a snake bit me, and i crushed its head in retaliation. i've been wondering about it ever since, and i think it's about my mom. yes, she bit me. she hurt me pretty badly. and the past year has been a measured attempt at retaliation by silence. gods, yes, she hurt me. but i have to remember what i told her when Ed broke off their engagement. as shredded as i feel about her alcoholism and all that accompanies it, the bigger pain is hers. and i can continue to milk this anger and seek retribution and convince myself that she deserves it, but that only makes the situation worse. i need to find the strength to lay aside my pain and help her.

the more i think about that dream, the more i recognize it. yeah, that's it. i think i've finally touched the core of the problem. now, what the hell do i do about it?