walked out to the empty lot across the street a little while ago. overgrown and slightly rain-slick. grey grey sky. i needed grounding. still need grounding. don't think it took. think i might need to bury myself up to my neck to get enough energy to drag me out of this.

it's been a wonderful day. went to my gramma's house and played dominoes with ron and dee and mom and gramma. it was fun. wonderful energy. ron and dee carry that with them. mom and i are not quite so stressed. i know she's still disappointed in me, but i think she understands that i've been avoiding it. avoiding the fact that gramma's dying. hospice will probably start pretty soon. she's in almost constant pain. today was a good day. how many of those are left? i've jumped in too late. i'm just afraid.

i'm not good with connections. i avoid them. i'm intentionally a bad friend, i think, because i'm afraid of becoming connected with someone. it's part of the nonattachment bullshit, i think. it's easier to deal with from a distance. love people and that love shreds you in the end. and from a purely logical standpoint, relationships don't make sense.

but.

whatever vulcan bs i spout, i can't escape the reality that she's dying, and i've been ignoring her so it won't hurt me so badly when she's gone. i'm thrashing her and my mom by my selfishness, but i'm not hurting. good for me. at least i'm an honest bitch.

i love her. she's spunky, anal, old-fashioned, generous, gracious, warm, stubborn, independent, and vivacious. she's wise. perhaps a little ocd. she's the domino queen of the family. she makes the best chicken and noodles in the world.

and she may not be here for my next birthday.

and i'm crying because i've figured myself out. i'm not lazy about my friends, my family. i'm afraid. i'm the same way about my students. make a connection and it hurts like hell when they hurt, fail. but can i imagine my life without alexis? miranda? even jojo? megan? hell, even vicente. i can't. i can't imagine my life without having had any of my students. or my friends, or family. and yes, i guess it would be easier on the emotions if i could remain detached. but that leaves me with myself, and what kind of company am i? pretty sucky.

so. i will be with my gramma as many sundays as i can. i will master the art of chicken and noodles that won't ever taste as good as hers. i will pry open this rusted shut heart of mine and feel, damn it!

and i will be in agony all too soon. bitter, but blessed.