too personal

he asked why i gave up my most recent faith for wicca. what strikes me is the "either/or" as though i cannot be both. as though my world is locked into compartments.

first of all, he doesn't know me well enough to take the liberty of asking such questions. second, i don't know him well enough to feel required to answer him. third, what business is it of his? fourth, why does this upset me?

part of it might be that i know he has some rather extreme views, and that he is himself rather constrained. that's part of the package of christianity, and this church in particular. to reach roots into other soils is tantamount to total abandonment. a person's spiritual self is lockstepped with others - or so it seems. and so i can understand his "concern" and curiosity about my actions. only from a person who until this point has had no contact with me outside of the post or two on facebook, his concern and curiosity rubs irritatingly like a busybody. not to mention the scathing connotation of the word "abandon." there's judgment inherent in his curiosity, and that irks me.

i'm thinking about writing him back and being perfectly honest. no abandonment here - only a reaching beyond borders. an attempt to see more of the big picture, not just the corner marked "christianity" and the segment in it labeled "mormonism." it's genesis is heavenly mother (the goddess and co-creator), and from there, tendrils shoot out in all directions. think of it as a study in comparative religions. this is me. i don't settle well.

to abandon means to leave everything behind. the intention is never to return. to me, i'm not abandoning anything. i'm "connecting the spheres" so to speak.

what is the draw? perhaps the recognition of the power of a woman that is hinted at in the church, but only vaguely and as a concession. heavenly mother is like a shadow, or a infinitesimal glimpse. she is brought forth only to hide her away again in the folds of "sacredness." she's too sacred to be mentioned or considered - never to be consulted or studied. a co-creator with god should be able to stand for herself, for the inherent and divine strength and power of woman. she's not a fainting shy violet or a wallflower. she is a goddess! so why does the church hide her? that's why she seems like a concession to me. a theological loophole that happens to satiate the questions of the sisters. my goddess, my celestial mother is not a second-thought. i want to learn what i can about her. and from her. she is sophia, wisdom.

i also have this inescapable draw to the earth, to life. to cycles. to experience. and to symbolism. i see it everywhere, and i cannot ignore it. i recognize and elevate the power of symbolism in prayer, which is all spells really are. symbol-laden prayers. there's nothing evil in it. god created the earth, all that he created is holy, so my use of it for positive, soul-enriching things is not evil.

i'm not fettered anymore. i suffered under the fetters for too long - neglecting the largest part of me that craves expansion and exploration. i tried for years to relegate my thoughts to the accepted limits. i tried to mold my spirit and my thoughts to what others say is correct. i think, though, that my methods, my approach, my freedom and exploration does more to connect me with god than anything else i have found. i'm free to recognize the validity of personal revelation in spite of whether it comports with church doctrine.