the circles are deepening under my eyes. on sundays i am grateful for the half-hour drive home from my grandmother's house. there's a weight to the afternoon as we all make mental slashes through another week's time with her. the adults and grandchildren - most with children of their own, are making the holiday visits - apprehensive that this might be the last holiday season with her. and we look to each other - recognizing perhaps for the first time in ages that we have all grown. internally. and recognizing that the times of mass convergence upon gramma's house are over - and with them, the sense of intertwined destinies. the family tapestry is unraveling with her.
some of them are whirlwinds - descending upon the scene with gyring energy to swirl everyone into hugs and laughter and hope for a little while; and when they pass off to the next afternoon activity, we all settle back to earth with sighs. ron and dee are like that. roiling with energy and cheer. but even they can't be wellsprings eternal - even they have to pull it from somewhere.
what do i say? sundays feel like black holes. the every day dissolution of this present reality saps us more as we attempt to maintain some semblance of the untenable past. nothing is stable, nothing is expectible, nothing is certain. except decline. by degrees and inches, slips and gaps.
so we draw in. breaths, space, together, for support, for protection, for acceptance. i don't know how to ground myself for it. i don't know if its at all possible. but i try.
People validate and reaffirm there own belief system through conversion of others. That is their own faith is shaky, but to see another agree with them becomes evidence of the validity of their practice. It boosts the ego of the missionary. Conversely to see another turn away from their system of ideas unnerves and disturbs their uneasy composure. They all seek firm solid ground to stand upon. They are frightened by a uncertain universe. But a determined universe is a dead universe as I see it. Some simply enjoy asserting there will upon others as an act of domination. Conversion elevates the missionaries status and position in the social hierarchy and at least in the relative status between themselves and the convert. Well I'm sure there are more reasons and I only scratch the surface.
ReplyDelete"But a determined universe is a dead universe as I see it." i agree with this entirely.
ReplyDeletefaith is so complex, so finely wrought within our minds that we can't always express the entirety of it. the social acceptance aspect could have a strong impact on a person's belief - either because they feel accepted for their beliefs or because they feel rejected or persecuted for them. faith lends stability for those who are rocked by the "uncertain universe" you mention. personally, i like the uncertainty.